Tuesday, September 08, 2015
@ 12:30 AM
人要失败失落才知道什么叫好过。
若因害怕失败的结果而从不付出，那人生何来意义。但付出了，又无结果，是否还能全身而退？
壮志未酬，心有余悸。
也罢，人生嘛，愁也无可奈。
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
@ 10:42 PM
Miscommunication part 2
又一次的沟通不良。要有多少次的互相误解，互相指责才能有一个结果。
你觉得我对你不好，但我只是就事论事，看个电视，给剧中情节的几个评语，在你眼中就是对老人家的不敬？我太傻眼了，在你眼里我如何解释都无用，因为你已把我与某些negative traits划上等号。
我已不是以前那个言听计从，毫无主见的女儿。我也回不去了，我不能一次又一次的让你的self victimisation
搞得内疚不已，所以我只好抽离。在不讲理的沟通中，若单凭情字就不断的纵容别人，我做不到。有多少人不断的manipulate people's feeling to get what they want. 我深受别人的其害，最看不过眼这样的行为，因此也不想当那个间接促使此行为的纵容者。
让你难过，我心里也不好受。但太偏离自身价值观的谎言我实在说不出口。明明好卑劣，扮可怜，对自身不负责的行为，我不赞同，若你由此而断定我是个没有爱人之心的小孩，我也不知如何辩护。爱人的方式有很多种，但刚好我不符合你想要的那一种。
Friday, June 26, 2015
@ 10:43 PM
不公平的生存游戏
I发现自己对全然无抵抗能力或无力解决之事特别敏感。
无论是任何情况我都希望找到能自救的方法。但往往人生下就不平等，有些人不断的被欺负， 有些人只能吃哑巴亏，而有些胜利者为了必然的胜利不断的雀跃。
我想我讨厌给这些有先天优势的人快乐的机会，在我的理想世界里，大家都从同个起跑点出发，我们因努力而得到奖赏。
或许就是这样的人生观，让我时常会有不愉快的时候。现实与理想的差距是必然的，人的不同也是上帝决定的，虽然不完美但也有自己的道理。
我今天必须要为我自我保卫的反击向对方道歉，因对方等待必然的胜利而我以超出游戏合理范围的反击破坏了能让对方胜利的游戏规则。
现实中大家都要守规则，所以在游戏中，我也理应如此。
Question is, should I continue to fight losing battles or accept the reality as it is and be the party to allow others to rejoice in their superiority?
Sunday, June 14, 2015
@ 12:27 AM
May you be happy
I tried and tried but it was not hard enough. My feeble attempts at reaching out only resulted in my words getting twisted and you being angered. It pains me that you will never be happy with or for us unless it falls within your self-defined condition of perfect. It is scary how the thinking of human can keep them caged in perpetual agony. I tried to pull you but I realise I am in no better condition myself. It hurts to see you stabbing yourself with the good things people tried to do and it fears me that everytime our good intention gets imagined to be some evil words to harm and hurt people. It makes me guilty for nothing and makes me self detest whenever I get accused to be a hopeless evil person trying to make life difficult for you. I am really upset because by giving up this relationship, it means I cannot hope to connect to you. How painful that must be for the other members in the family to accept this and it is such a pity 5 good people cannot be as close-knitted as they could have been. It is the sows of ancestors that descendants gain or suffer. I can only pray to God that you will be better and you may see light some day.
I am feeling helpless, I am dealing with a close one with psychological barrier.
Monday, June 01, 2015
@ 1:25 AM
傻瓜我们。不一样
你筹办着每个人的生日，但没有人打算着你的诞辰。我想这是我们这类organiser的悲哀。责任感、是不是到了放下的时候？还是因为这一份责任推动着自己让更多周围的人幸福。但自己不幸福，何来散播快乐的种子。有的时候我们也需要一些关怀，也希望自己不是孤军作战。我们不是超人，只是比较坚持的傻瓜😂
Tuesday, April 07, 2015
@ 12:26 AM
It's been a while too long
Just as the title suggest, it's been very long since I last posted here and maybe it's been the same between me and my friends I hold dear to me. People who know me (or I think they do) will know that I am not a person who will maintain contact via message/phone call. Having said that, it never ever meant that I do not feel you were not my good friend. I prefer face to face meetings where I can designate my time fully and concentrate on my conversation with you.
Looking back, I guess I led a very regulated life since secondary school. Trying very hard to prove myself to people who have once bullied me by working very hard on my studies. I divided my day into studying, exercising and sleeping time and only played when work is over. Having said that, hand phone was out of bound in my study room most of the time. My study regime was quite intensive (I think). It could cover 1 textbook chapter in an hour for 12 consecutive hours during pre exam period or late night studies till 2am.
With this prolonged discipline lifestyle, I am quite used to allocating time for outing with friends or meeting everyone I feel were people I cherished during holidays or after important task are completed. This refrain me from distractions when meeting friends and allowed me to give them full attention. Multitasking was never my forte.
It just broke my heart to learn from my good friend today that she felt we have drifted apart. While I still continued to deliberately create opportunities for outings, she felt that they were no longer meaningful. We had not allowed each other to play an active role in each other's life. It wasn't that I never recognized but I just pretended that people were lazy to organize outings or too preoccupied with other parts of their lives at the moment and I thought at some point in life, when you need me, I will just be there. I wondered what I have done wrong or it's just that nobody care enough to understand me further. Maybe my overly logical thinking and structured way of maintaining friendship is missing the personal touch that makes people feel that I care.
People who know me knows that I am never one who would reject invitation from friends to meet them. It's just that people don't (most of the time) and I was usually the one faster to initiate outings for fear people might just forget about the group altogether. It might just mean that I was never 'friend enough with the groups for them to initiate outings; To ask if I wanna have a beer together or eat some good food somewhere.
Disregarding recency effect, I actually remember my friendship with a person close to my heart with the deeply etched feeling when they had played a very important role in my life regardless of the time that had passed. I always tried to discount their lost in contact by factoring in my own reality and logic that they were busy and I welcomed them back anytime later. It seems that the same doesn't apply for most others towards me. With my own reality, I had failed to see that I was failing the expectations of others of what a good friend should have been.
Hence, the scary reality now if that projecting the experience of one to many others . I could have faded off my many other 'good' friend's (or at least I thought were) radar without realizing it the past 15 years. It's sad but I just have to manage. If you read this (I am not sure if people still bothers to come to the page) and feel that you still feel connected to me as a friend, let me know. I just need some optimism in friendships.
Sunday, June 01, 2014
@ 10:40 PM
有时候我在想，我是把事情看得太简单还是太复杂。这想法和过去无关。If I can't handle myself, it's not gonna work. I am honestly afraid.