Today is a horrible day for me. I never admit the day is horrible usually because if I say so, the day will really become horrible. I doubt most of you understand what I am talking about. To elaborate, this is similar to talking to other people about some things that you are unhappy about, initially its just some jumbled emotions, but after sorting it and putting into words for others to hear, you find yourself even worse and bursting our into tears when you finally understand what is happening.Originally only your heart knows that there is a problem but after saying, your brain understands the problem as well, so it turns into a bigger problem. Its really complicated, sometimes I really think humans are too difficult to understand because they are too smart. So to understand them, you must have a higher level of thinking comparatively. But sadly, at this stage, I don't think I have.

So what has made me conclude that today is a horrible day? Firstly, I dread the journey to work, if you see how people squeeze and knock people on the the MRT you will understand why. People can do anything for themselves, they try to push or shove you away so that they can get in and when you finally manage to get in then you have to endure all the pushing and bumping until your station is finally reached. I can't really understand why many of them are in such a rush to get in or out first because after they exit from the gate, most of them take their own sweet time to walk.

Also, I felt very tired during work today. I can't concentrate on writing a summary for a candidate but if I don't present a brilliant piece of work that is going to let the employer think that they would want to meet this candidate, I think I will be letting both myself and my boss down.

Then, its all the outing up and I am planning for, there are 3 of them altogther. The mentoring outing, outing with another JC clique and amanda's birthday as well as present buying. Sometimes I just stop to wonder if anyone will plan them if I don't do so. But if I don't do so I will be letting my friends down. Sometimes it feel really tiring trying to hold on to something that people are not trying to hold on to. I chatted quite a bit about my problems recently to my sec sch, jc mates and pri sch friend as well. Their answers vary, 1 said I should just see it as something that is unimportant, another mentioned I should just let go, the other said I can still hold on since its better to maintain a harmonious relationship with everyone.

My emotions and my brain are in conflict with one another.
Brain says:" its no big deal what, just that I have enlarged the problem"
Heart ask:" then why am I feeling so terrible still?"

Anyway, I feel that growing up is so tiring. You can't express everything you want to, you have to suppress it because you understand that you will hurt others and hurting others means hurting yourself too.

I think I am growing to be like a snail. I hide myself in my shell whenever necessary but my shell is actually very fragile, it breaks easily in the hands of people and I get expose to things I can't handle.

I once told a friend that I don't dare to ask my friends out because I am afraid that I will bother them. She told me that if they think they are being bothered then they are not your friends. Actually thats what I am afraid of, that they are actually not the friends that I think they will be. So i rather wait for them to ask me out, to confirm that I am actually their friends.

I think most people get hurt by people you care about because you have a certain level of expectation and you give a certain part of yourself to them, but because you are already in the hands of others, they can easily crush you and you have no control over it. It takes courage to stand up after you fall down and to love like you are never hurt before because you know how pain feels like and most don't want to experience it again. But if you don't do so, happiness will never come.

So will my heart go on? I don't know yet but at this point of time my brain is still making decisions that my heart is too tired to make.