Looking back, I guess I led a very regulated life since secondary school. Trying very hard to prove myself to people who have once bullied me by working very hard on my studies. I divided my day into studying, exercising and sleeping time and only played when work is over. Having said that, hand phone was out of bound in my study room most of the time. My study regime was quite intensive (I think). It could cover 1 textbook chapter in an hour for 12 consecutive hours during pre exam period or late night studies till 2am. 

With this prolonged discipline lifestyle, I am quite used to allocating time for outing with friends or meeting everyone I feel were people I cherished during holidays or after important task are completed. This refrain me from distractions when meeting friends and allowed me to give them full attention. Multitasking was never my forte. 

It just broke my heart to learn from my good friend today that she felt we have drifted apart. While I still continued to deliberately create opportunities for outings, she felt that they were no longer meaningful. We had not allowed each other to play an active role in each other's life. It wasn't that I never recognized but I just pretended that people were lazy to organize outings or too preoccupied with other parts of their lives at the moment and I thought at some point in life, when you need me, I will just be there. I wondered what I have done wrong or it's just that nobody care enough to understand me further. Maybe my overly logical thinking and structured  way of maintaining friendship is missing the personal touch that makes people feel that I care. 

People who know me knows that I am never one who would reject invitation from friends to meet them. It's just that people don't (most of the time) and I was usually the one faster to initiate outings for fear people might just forget about the group altogether. It might just mean that I was never 'friend enough with the groups for them to initiate outings; To ask if I wanna have a beer together or eat some good food somewhere. 

Disregarding recency effect, I actually remember my friendship with a person close to my heart with the deeply etched feeling when they had played a very important role in my life regardless of the time that had passed. I always tried to discount their lost in contact by factoring in my own reality and logic that they were busy and I welcomed them back anytime later. It seems that the same doesn't apply for most others towards me. With my own reality, I had failed to see that I was failing the expectations of others of what a good friend should have been. 

Hence, the scary reality now if that projecting the experience of one to many others . I could have faded off my many other 'good' friend's  (or at least I thought were) radar without realizing it the past 15 years. It's sad but I just have to manage. If you read this (I am not sure if people still bothers to come to the page) and feel that you still feel connected to me as a friend, let me know. I just need some optimism in friendships.